As members of the Church of Release will tell you, and as you have doubtless heard from your reputable friends, there is no greater relief and source of lasting enlightenment than having a hole in your head.

It is called trepanation, from the Greek trypanon (“a borer”), and it is one of the oldest forms of medical intervention known today. The trepanation is a classically simple operation— so simple, in fact, that you can perform it on yourself with some minor preparation (this is not advice): get a drill; press the drill into your skull until you’re through the bone (being careful not to press into the brain itself); and, supposing you survive the process, enjoy life as a newly minted member of Homo Sapiens Correctus.

Wait! wait! before you run off to your hardware store or garage, we at the Kook Science Resistance have compiled the following summary of the ancient (and modern) practice of trepanation for your further study. We again caution that this is not medical advice, but that, as always, we leave it to you to judge the truth for yourself . . .